


The World Falls Away

by dearzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/M, For the most part, Post-Canon, canon compliant??, death mention, drug tw, happyish ending though, kind of an anthology, mostly only mentioned until the end, relationship not super prominent throughout fic, takes place in the year after Evan's lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 10:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12910122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearzoemurphy/pseuds/dearzoemurphy
Summary: or, a series of snapshots into Zoe Murphy's life after Evan revealed that he lied.Mostly canon-compliant, stretches over a couple of months with scenes from particular moments in time, and is extremely angsty.





	The World Falls Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, I’m back again!! I know this isn’t an update to the Jared fic or a new installment in the AU, but I’ve been wanting to write this for forever ( ;) ) and couldn’t help myself. This is quite a bit darker than my usual works, but it’s a story I felt I needed to tell. I hope you all enjoy!!

Zoe doesn't remember how she first stumbled across Connor’s old stash of prescriptions. Maybe she was trying to forget that it was because she went looking for them. The wonders of painkillers and anything else to help push her across the line of complete consciousness were untold. The days blended together, and bled into weeks and months before Zoe could even blink. She preferred it that way. It was easier to forget anything and everything, easier to not care when she physically couldn’t care to remember.

School was as painful as usual, with the added bonus of having to avoid looking in any of the places her and Evan used to meet up. He may have graduated, but she could still see him vividly if she came anywhere near any of their preferred hangouts. She couldn't bear even the thought of him. Each time he appeared in her conscious, she would hastily run to the bathroom to swallow another pill.

After school, Zoe always went home and locked herself in her room to avoid her parents, to avoid the world. She did what she could of her homework before giving up because she knew it was pointless, and her teachers would find a way to make her pass everything no matter what, since she was the poor dead kid’s sister. Usually, she would emerge from her room only to run across the hall to Connor’s and lock herself in. She'd do nothing more than fall on his bed and cry. Cry for the brother she couldn't save, the brother she didn't miss, cry for her alcoholic and now even more abusive father, cry for her helpless, passive, and depressed mother, cry for herself and her crazy fucked up world. But the tears she always tried to suppress were for the boy she’d lost. The one who had burst into her life, lit a fire in her soul, kept her grounded with his loving words and gentle kisses and caring nature. The one who had single handedly fixed her family and then tore it apart just as easily.

Usually right as memories of Evan were beginning to be dredged up, her mother would call her down for dinner in a tired voice. Zoe would wipe her tears on the edge of the comforter, fix her makeup so she didn't look like she had just cried enough to fill a sizeable lake, then run downstairs and assume her position at the Murphy family’s kitchen table. Even with all she went through, it was the worst part of her day. She'd sit down and take food, even though she was never hungry. Conversation each night seemed to follow a template.

“How was your day, honey?” Zoe’s mother would ask her.

“Fine. How was yours?” Zoe would reply.

“It was alright. I saw Mrs. McMillan at the grocery store, she's still fostering all those dogs,” he mother would respond, trying to strike up conversation with some kind of anecdote.

Neither Zoe nor her father would respond with much more than a nod and return to silently eating, or in Zoe’s case, pushing her food around her plate and only occasionally putting a bite into her mouth.

A few minutes would pass, then Zoe’s father would chime in. “Zoe, why aren't you eating anything?” he would usually ask, glaring over his newspaper.

“I had a big lunch, I'm not super hungry,” she'd respond.

“Don't lie to me Zoe Belle Murphy, and eat your chicken,” he'd retort. Zoe would force herself to eat a few more bites to defuse the situation, which was usually enough.

However, occasionally the situation escalated far past what it should have.

On a particularly horrible night, Zoe was fed up with her father scolding her. 

“Just shut up and eat, you're perfectly thin enough, you have no reason to not,” he said, sounding almost bored.

“I'm not fucking anorexic, I'm just not fucking hungry!” Zoe yelled, slamming her fists on the table.

Larry set down his paper. “Listen here young lady, I won't have any of that foul language at this dinner table, alright? I won't have any of it directed at me at all actually. You will respect me while you live in this household, because I am your father, alright?” he yelled, standing up and staring right into Zoe’s eyes the entire time.

“Fuck you,” she said quietly, yet defiantly.

Flames of anger flashed in his father’s eyes, but he simply sighed and sat back down and picked up his scotch, taking a long swig. He placed it back on the table and picked up his paper while stunned silence presided over the table.

A few more moments of complete silence passed before Larry broke it. “Jesus Christ, you're becoming more and more like him by the day,” he muttered, taking another sip of his drink.

Zoe didn't need to ask who ‘he’ was.

“May I please be excused?” she asked quietly, barely holding back waves of tears. She was met with no response from either of her parents.

Zoe took matters into her own hands and picked up her still full plate and carried it over to the sink, then ran back upstairs as fast as she could. Still running, she sped into Connor’s room and slammed the door as loudly as she could. Zoe threw herself back against the door and slid down to the floor, letting out a silent, strangled cry. She couldn't believe it. Her father had the audacity to compare her to her dead brother. Maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was the inability to get help. Maybe it was the fact that her life was hell and she was completely on her own. Maybe it was a combination. She had been shutting everyone out even more lately. No one could even come close to understanding what she was going through, or what she had been through. Everyone was so extremely patronizing to her, giving her pats on the back when they passed her in the halls and saw her glassy eyes or hungrily asking about what happened between her and Evan, looking for any scraps of gossip. She always told the latter group of people to fuck off, and that they had no idea. They were usually scared away by the darkness in her tone and the violent gleam in her eyes. Everyone at her school pissed her off, because they just didn't understand, and never would. Her father was right. She was becoming exactly like Connor. Zoe curled into a ball, back still pressed against her brother’s door. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she touched her forehead to her knees and partook in her current favorite pastime; she cried. She normally kept her crying as silent and restrained as possible. But at this moment in time, she wept. Sobs wracked her body, guttural cries echoing throughout the room. Zoe struggled to get air, gasping quickly before another sob consumed her. She hated this, she hated it so much. But she kept crying without restraint, allowing herself to quake and the sobs to rumble in her soul and the tears to gush down her face. Soon she was out of breath, she saw the tunnel. And then everything went black.

 

* * *

 

Zoe woke up in her own bed, swaddled in a blanket, the only light coming from her soft pink rose lamp. She shot straight up, then realized that her head had been resting on her mother’s lap. Cynthia was sitting propped up against the wall near the top corner of Zoe’s bed, and gave a warm smile when she saw her daughter was conscious.

“Hey, honey. Here, come back here and lie down,” she said, patting her leg and putting down the book she had been reading. Zoe obliged and slowly lowered herself back down so her head was resting on her mother’s leg once more. Cynthia began slowly stroking her daughter’s hair.

“What happened?” Zoe asked groggily.

“I came up to look for you after letting you cry for a few minutes, then got worried when everything went quiet. I…I was worried something bad had happened, but you were just passed out on the floor of your brother’s bedroom,” Cynthia explained, lip quivering, “I was really terrified that- something might have happened,” she added, trailing off.

“You were worried I'd killed myself,” Zoe said darkly.

Cynthia gave a nervous laugh. “I mean, I'm sorry for laughing, that probably sounded horrible, this is just an uncomfortable situation you've got me in here. But anyway, I know I haven't exactly been there to help you. No one has,” she said.

“You can say that again,” Zoe mumbled, curling into a fetal position.

“I have so many reasons to be worried, but I never could find a way to check in with you and see how you were really doing. It's not a good or valid defense. But I'm here right now. So please, tell me what's going on,” Cynthia said, ignoring Zoe’s comment.

Zoe shrugged. “I mean, your brother killing himself and then never getting any kind of therapy to deal with that can kind of be a bad thing,” she said somewhat sardonically, wanting to prod her mother.

“I guess we let you down there, didn't we, huh? We can help fix that though. I've been thinking about finally starting therapy myself,” Cynthia said, giving a sad smile, “anything in particular that you're struggling with?” she asked, still stroking Zoe’s hair.

Zoe sighed. “Dad's not been anything close to a dad since Connor was alive. He was never great, but he's getting worse,” she said tentatively.

Cynthia sighed in turn. “He's coping with it in his own way. His way is just by working himself to the bone,” she explained, trembling.

“Does his way also have to involve so much alcohol?” Zoe asked in an almost whiny tone, rubbing her eyelids.

“Does your way have to involve so many extraneous prescription drugs?” Cynthia asked accusingly, stopping stroking Zoe’s hair and glaring down at her.

Zoe’s eyes flew open. “Wait, what…how do you know?” she stuttered, fear rising in her voice.

Cynthia chuckled. “I have to admit, you're pretty sneaky, but one weekend when you actually went out to do something, I came in here to drop off clean clothes and take out your trash and panicked when I saw an empty pill bottle in the trash can. I meant to confront you about it, but when I picked you up from the mall, it was the happiest I'd seen you in forever, so I gave you that one as a freebie and let it be. After that, I kept catching glimpses of empty bottles in the trash and just prayed they were your father’s, so I didn't ask about any of them. Just recently though, when you had a doctor’s appointment, I was fishing around in the side pocket of your bag for a pencil and hit a full bottle of Xanax and I knew all the empty bottles I'd been seeing were yours,” she explained, somewhat of a disappointed tone slipping out, tears forming at the sides of her eyes.

Zoe continued staring straight ahead and groaned, not recognizing how devastated her mother looked. “Technically, they're all Connor’s” she said, a bit of humor in her voice.

“Really? Wow, how'd he get so many?!” her mother asked, shocked, wiping the corners of her eyes gently.

Zoe laughed. “The few people he did hang around were some pretty shady individuals. One of them once offered me weed they'd soaked in alcohol when I was trying to get into Connor’s car,” she mused, folding her hands in each other and changing her gaze to the ceiling.

Cynthia nodded slowly and thoughtfully. “I wish I'd been more involved. I wish I'd held him more accountable and questioned him more,” she said quietly, trying to swallow a lump in her throat, “I've been making the same mistakes with you. I can't believe that after Connor I just let you suffer needlessly by yourself.”

Zoe looked up and saw her mother red faced, barely keeping herself together. “No, no! It's not your fault, it's mine. I shut myself away from the world and from you,” she said, sitting up quickly and putting a hand on her mother’s shoulder.

Cynthia looked up and gave her a sad smile. “It's both of our fault’s, okay? But I’ve woken up, and I'm here for you now,” she said, pulling Zoe into an embrace which her daughter matched by throwing her arms around her and clinging onto her tightly. Cynthia bit her lip as tears began to stream down her face.

“Oh baby…is there anything else going on? Other than everything with Connor,” she asked, rubbing small circles into Zoe’s back.

Zoe took a deep breath, and meant to say ‘no, just that’ but her mind had different ideas. “I miss Evan. I think I even still love him,” she said quickly, words flying out of her mouth before she pulled away from her mother and quickly covered it.

Cynthia’s jaw dropped, and silence echoed through the room for what felt like an eternity. “Well, it makes sense. He helped you, and all of us, through the worst times of our lives,” she said, continuing to rub Zoe’s back.

“We loved each other, mom. I wasn’t sure of it at first, but we did. We had a whole future planned out together, we were going to get an apartment and a cat named Fluffy,” Zoe said, a fresh round of tears welling up in her eyes.

Cynthia lifted Zoe’s chin, biting her lip to keep her tears at bay. “At the very least, I know you still care about him. You should give him a text or call, okay? Just start there. We can work out all of the messy stuff. I’ve missed him too,” she said, smiling sadly.

Zoe sighed. “I’ve just been trying to shut him out of my mind, but I suppose that hasn’t been working extremely well, has it?” she joked, a single tear slipping down her face.

Her mother simply nodded. “Listen, all I ask of you right now is for you to try to make amends with your father, okay? I’ll talk to him about everything too. I just want us to be a family again,” Cynthia said, heartbroken. The sobs she had been holding back began to slip out, and Zoe moved to wrap her in a tight embrace.

“And stop with the drugs. Please. You have two weeks to wean yourself off of them or I’ll have to send you to rehab. I can’t lose another child to those chemicals,” Cynthia added, matching Zoe’s embrace.

“I will, mom. I promise,” Zoe said quietly, holding her mother as the two cried on each other’s shoulders as the sun lowered into the sky.

 

* * *

 

It was tough at first. On the first day, Zoe stole two more bottles of painkillers from Connor’s room and stashed them away for emergencies only. On the second day, her mother found Connor’s stash and threw everything away in frustration. Zoe began restricting herself to three, then two, then one pill a day, and moved to weaker drugs. She began ‘accidentally’ dropping her bottles of weak pills in public places she'd never go back to look for them in. She felt freer than she'd felt in months, but was also beginning to get more horrible migraines than in months, being slammed into withdrawal. Advil didn't do anything to help them, but Zoe was somewhat alright with that. She took it as her punishment for her unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The strangest part of beginning the true healing process was finding activities outside of the confines of her and Connor’s rooms. She started by doing her homework downstairs at the kitchen table, which expanded into helping her mother make dinner each night. Their relationship was improving as the two grew closer than they had ever been before the incident, openly talking about everything going on as they prepared meals together. They settled into a nice and comfortable routine within a few short days.

However, Zoe’s relationship with her father was still extremely rocky. Both were trying in their own way to take steps towards healing. Larry didn't pick as many fights with his family as before, and Zoe stopped trying to antagonize him as much. He surprised her by suggesting a family game and movie night that Friday. Playing Yahtzee and watching Breakfast Club with her parents was not something Zoe ever thought she would do again, even before Connor’s death. Her dad left in the middle of the movie to work on a project, but Zoe didn't care. It was still the most time the three of them had spent together since Evan left their lives.

Another week passed, and the only drug Zoe was still consistently on was Advil. The headaches were still present, but slightly less frequent and painful. She was planning to ask to rejoin jazz band in the coming month since she'd quit shortly after Evan came clean. It had been a painful reminder him, but Zoe had recently realized it was one of the few things she still had passion for. She also had decided to leave her lonely lunch spot under a tree and rejoin her friends at their table, apologizing for acting ‘so weird’ in the past months and being sympathetically welcomed back among their ranks. Her friends all had a silent agreement to not ask about where she had been and what she'd been doing, which Zoe appreciated more than anything else in the world. She finally had a sense of normalcy for the first time since Connor died, but honestly she wouldn't call her life the last few years he was alive normal.

 

* * *

 

 

Three months later, Zoe was preparing to graduate. She was almost completely over her addiction with only short relapses, she'd reestablished several close friendships, been accepted to a nearby college for their psychology program, and her family was regularly spending time together once more. Their favorite place to go was, ironically enough, the orchard. Being there reminded them all of Connor, of Evan, of all that they had lost and all that had been broken. But in a strange way, it also reminded them how they could heal, that there was still hope for each of them, and occasionally offered the comforting, spiritual presence of their lost family member.

Zoe had been meaning to text Evan over all of the months, but always typed up a draft and found a reason not to send it. She missed him, but couldn't bring herself to reach out. It still felt wrong, and made her feel guilty. Everything was going so well as her life was getting back on track, and the last thing she thought she needed was to invite the Hansens back into it.

Until one day when her finger slipped. Zoe almost went into cardiac arrest when it happened. Fumbling, she dropped her phone onto her bed and scrambled to pick it up. She frantically scrolled to the text she'd just sent and her jaw dropped in horror.

“Hey Ev. I love you. I miss you. This is the 27th time I've typed out this text and I still don't really know what to say. I wish I actually had the guts to send this because I've wanted to talk to you since the incident,” the text read.

Mortified, Zoe typed as well as she could with insanely high amounts of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

“Oh my god I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to send that I'm so sorry,” she sent quickly.

Zoe took a deep breath and leaned against her wall, slamming her phone face down on the comforter beside her and gazing up at the stars she'd painted on her ceiling when she was 12. They mapped out all of the major constellations; Orion, Gemini, the Big Dipper, and more. Smiling, she remembered the first time Evan had come into her room and had been enthralled by the mural, and how later he'd sleepily traced the outlines of the constellations using the faint freckles dotting her arms and neck while they watched Forest Gump, since Evan had never seen it. Chills were sent down Zoe’s spine as she reflected fondly on the memory, but her momentary happy reflection was interrupted by a chime from her phone. Her heart lept into her throat and began beating at a million beats a minute. She reached tentatively toward her phone, then hungrily snatched it and turned it on. Only one notification was present on her home screen from Spotify. Zoe sighed and chucked her phone back to its previous position on her bed. The waiting game was the worst part of this whole ordeal, she decided.

 

* * *

 

 

It wasn't until during family dinner that Zoe’s phone chimed again. She gasped and almost knocked over her milk as she hastily pulled it out of her pocket.

“Easy there, champ,” her father said, chuckling.

Her mother clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “Zoe, no phones at the table,” she said, glaring in her direction.

Zoe didn't hear any of it as her heart stopped as she saw the notification was a text from Evan. She bolted up from the table.

“I'll be right back,” she said, pushing her chair back and running for the bathroom.

“Zoe Murphy, what is going on?” Cynthia called after her.

Larry reached across the table to pat her on the arm. “It's fine, let her go. She's a teenager, after all,” he said, slight annoyance seeping into his voice. Cynthia huffed, but resigned back to her chicken parmesan.

 

* * *

 

Zoe was sitting on the floor of her bathroom, heart pounding as she poured over Evan’s response.

“Don't apologize! Didn't you used to tell me not to do that? Anyway, I've missed you too. I've typed about a million texts like that too lol, don't worry about it :),” the message read.

Zoe sighed as she curled into a ball and brought her phone closer to her face. “Ha true, and it's good to know it wasn't just me. How have you been?” she typed and sent quickly. The three dots to show he was typing kept bouncing on Zoe’s screen for what seemed like an unbearably long amount of time until a response finally came in.

“I've been alright. How about you?” the reply read.

Zoe chewed on her bottom lip. “The same. Hey, how would you feel about meeting up somewhere? We have a lot to talk about, it's so much easier face-to-face if you're comfortable with that,” she texted back.

She received Evan’s response faster than she could have time to worry about her previous text. “Of course. I'm free Wednesdays and Sundays anytime you want to meet, you pick the place? :-),” it read.

Zoe smiled down at her phone. “How about Wednesday after school at the orchard? I get out at 4:30 bc of jazz band,” she typed.

“Sounds great, see you then! :D,” Evan replied. Zoe’s smile widened as she read over the text. She'd missed his slightly uncool use of emoticons, just like she missed almost everything else about him. It was the kind of melancholy pang that made her love him and hate what he did to her and her family all at the same time. She wanted to type something else, but decided to save it for Wednesday and simply sent a heart emoji before sighing and getting up to return to her family’s dinner table.

 

* * *

 

Five days later, Wednesday arrived and Zoe spent the whole day in an almost constant state of anxiety, and could barely concentrate on anything. During class she was constantly tapping her pencil or bouncing her leg, in some futile attempt to burn off her nervous energy. During lunch, she couldn't eat and barely spoke.

“Hey Zo, what's up?” her friend Melissa asked, turning away from the main conversation.

“Hm? Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine…” Zoe said, startled and trailing off.

Melissa raised an eyebrow. “I've known you for ten years Zo, and you're only this quiet and jittery when something's up,” she said, concerned as she turned to fully face Zoe.

Zoe sighed. “It's nothing, it's just…I'm going to meet with someone I haven't seen in a long time after school,” she explained, closing her lunch box.

“Well, I'm sure it will all work out alright. You're Zoe Murphy, you've made it through hell and back and come out okay. You've got this,” Melissa said, placing a hand on Zoe’s shoulder and giving a small smile.

Zoe returned her friends smile, and lifted her hand to rest on Melissa’s. “Thanks, Mel. I just hope the encounter ends well,” she said, trying to maintain a light and jovial demeanor, but her fear and sorrow slipping through the cracks in her facade.

“I know it will,” Melissa said, squeezing Zoe’s shoulder and lifting it back to her lap, turning back to their other friends.

Zoe bit her lip and gazed in the direction of the lunch table where Evan, Jared, and Alana used to sit. She sighed and shook her head, looking down to check her watch. Only three more hours until what felt like judgement day.

 

* * *

 

The three hours flew by, and the butterflies in Zoe’s stomach didn't subside. She desperately tried to concentrate during band practice, but couldn't due to the sheer amount of adrenaline coursing through her veins. The butterflies only increased as she walked out of the school to her car in the parking lot and climbed in. She did her best to keep a steady hand on the wheel, which worked well enough as she arrived safely to the orchard. Her heart began to pound as she shifted her car into ‘park’ and unbuckled her seatbelt. Her palms began to sweat as she jumped out of her car and slammed the door. She realized she'd forgotten to even take her backpack off to drive and was still wearing it. How she had forgotten to take it off and hadn't noticed until now she didn't know, but she knew that if she opened her car door for anything now, she might just drive away. Taking a deep breath, Zoe put one foot in front of the other and walked from the parking lot to the orchard’s entrance. Her heart skipped a beat when she was steps from the front gate and saw Evan standing at the edge of the hill, looking over the rows of trees that sprawled in front of him. Zoe forced herself to walk within ten steps of him then stopped, setting her gaze between him and the orchard. She didn't know what to say to start a conversation, but Evan hadn't noticed her presence. Zoe cleared her throat.

Evan spun around, and his face turned red and his eyebrows shot up at the sight of Zoe. “Hi,” he said nervously, trying to look up into her eyes.

“Hey,” she said back, equally anxious and uncomfortable.

“How are you?” he asked, fidgeting with the cuffs of his jacket.

Zoe bit her lip, so many thoughts flooding her brain, wanting to say so much. However, she decided to restrain herself for the moment. “Good. Pretty good,” she said simply.

“You graduate soon, right?” Evan asked.

“In two weeks,” Zoe replied, biting her lip.

Evan’s eyes widened, suddenly realizing how much time had passed since he’d seen her last. “Wow. How is being a senior?” he asked.

“Busy,” Zoe said, trying to remain calm and collected.

“I remember that,” Evan said thoughtfully, gazing off towards the trees.

“Um, how's being a freshman?” she asked, attempting to divert the conversation before anything from the past could be brought up.

“Oh, actually, I decided to take a year off, so…” Evan started, then trailed off, turning slightly red and looking down.

“Oh,” Zoe said, biting her lip yet again and matching Evan’s glance to the grass beneath them.

“Yeah. Try to save some money. Get a job. I've been taking classes at the community college. So I have some credits to transfer in the fall,” he elaborated, looking up and giving a slightly sad smile.

  
“That's smart,” Zoe said, nodding.

“Yeah. We'll see. In the meantime, though, I can get you a friends and family discount at Pottery Barn. If you're looking for overpriced home decor,” Evan said jokingly, cracking a real smile for the first time during their meeting.

  
“You know, not at the moment…” Zoe said, pretending to think about it and joking in return.

“Okay, well, if you change your mind… I'm only working there for a few more months, though, so the window of opportunity is closing fast,” Evan said lightly, looking up and meeting her thoughtful gaze.

  
Zoe glanced down the moment they made eye contact as if she was trying to hide. “I always imagine you and Connor here. Even though, obviously…” she said pensively, trailing off and biting her lip.

Evan kept his eyes locked on her face, a sad smile crossing his. “This is my first time. I mean, I've probably driven by it like a thousand times. I just, every time I think about getting out of the car, I feel like… I don't know, like I don't deserve to, I guess. It's nice. It’s peaceful,” he said, rubbing his neck.

Zoe looked up again and her face flushed as she maintained eye contact with Evan. “My parents, they're here all the time. We do picnics, like, every weekend. It's helped them. A lot, actually. Having this,” she said, thinking about her newfound closeness with her parents, then added, “They never told anyone. About Connor's- about the note. Who really wrote it,”.

“They didn't have to do that. They could've told everyone what I did,” Evan said, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

  
Zoe took a step closer to him. “Everybody needed it for something,” she said, trying to look Evan in the eye once more as he glanced over to the horizon.

  
“That doesn't mean it was okay,” he said simply and so quietly that Zoe almost couldn't hear it.

  
She took another step towards Evan. “It saved my parents,” she said, only slightly louder than he had been.

  
Evan shook his head, then looked back to Zoe. “It's weird. I, um… Over the fall, I found this thing, this, this yearbook thing? That my class made in eighth grade. Most people did it, like, collages of their friends. Um… But Connor’s was a list of his 10 favorite books. I've been trying to read all of them. Um, I know- I know it's not the same thing as knowing him- it's not… At all. But, I don't know, it's…something. It's been... hard. It's been a hard year,” he spilled out, beginning to shake and taking long, deep breaths. A single tear escaped from his tear ducts.

Zoe took yet another step closer to Evan and reached her hand out to wipe away his tears. She left her hand on his face, caressing it gently. “I know. I've been wanting to call you for a long time. I didn't really know what I would say. So then I just… I accidentally texted you,” she said, staving off her own tears and chuckling softly.

Evan smiled, and brought his hand up to rest it on the hand Zoe had on his face. “I'm happy you did,” he said, letting tears slowly roll down his face, “I wish we could have met now. Today. For the first time,” he added, words rushing out of his mouth.

  
“Me too,” Zoe said, sighing, then removing her hand from Evan’s face and checking her watch, “I should probably…” she trailed off.

“Of course,” Evan said, nodding sadly.

  
“It's just, exams are this week…” Zoe began to explain.

  
“No no no, totally. Can I just, um, can I ask you, though? Why did you want you want to meet here?” Evan asked, hesitantly reaching towards Zoe.

  
Zoe smiled and took Evan’s hand, squeezing it. “I wanted to be sure you saw this,” she said.

Evan nodded and smiled, wiping away a stray tear. “Well, uh, you should get where you need to be then, I won't keep you any longer,” he said, squeezing Zoe’s hand in return then letting it go.

Zoe nodded and was about to wave and walk away, but her heart stopped and a lump formed in her throat when she looked out over the rolling hills of the orchard and saw how gorgeous the view from the cliff was, with the brilliant pink and orange sky.

“Actually, I remembered I don't have too much studying to do tonight if you want to stay and watch the sunset,” she blurted out, almost regretting the words the minute they left her mouth.

Evan raised an eyebrow, then his smile widened. “That would actually be really nice,” he said tentatively, moving towards the bench at the same time as Zoe. The two took a seat on opposite sides as Zoe took off her backpack and propped it against the side of the bench, maintaining a decent amount of space between them. For several moments, the pair simply sat and watched the clouds roll by as the sun lowered itself to meet the horizon. There was so much both of them had left to say that nothing came out. Their minds were flooding, rushing rivers and their consciences were acting as dams, holding everything in.

Zoe finally broke the silence after a few moments of her and Evan slowly and conveniently inching closer to one another by adjusting the way they were sitting until their hands placed on the bench barely brushed against each other in the middle.

“Evan?” she said, quietly and tentatively.

“Yes, Zo?” he responded, turning away from the expanse of the orchard to look at her.

“Can you hold me?” she asked in a meek voice.

Something flashed in Evan’s eyes that Zoe couldn't label, but he quickly gave a sweet smile. “Oh! Um, of course,” he replied, somewhat awkwardly wrapping his arms around her small frame. Zoe melted into Evan, leaning against his side, resting her head on his shoulder, and bringing her arms up to wrap them around his. His arms around her tightened, and the two relaxed into a comfortable embrace.

Looking at the horizon, she wasn't sure what the future held. For her, for Evan, or for her parents. In fact, the only thing she was sure of is that nothing this year had felt as right as being here and being held by Evan as they watched the sun set. It made all the other bad things disappear, and the rest of the world fell away. She was certain that their paths would cross again soon. She couldn't take a lifetime without Evan. Nuzzling her head further onto his shoulder, Zoe closed her eyes. The pair accidentally began breathing in tandem, rising and falling as one. In that moment, Zoe knew that's how she wanted it to be for the rest of her life. She couldn't have it any other way. They could work through all of the messy stuff. Her family could work towards forgiveness. Anything they needed to do could be done, as long as in the end, Evan was by her side. But for the time being, she allowed the world to fall away once more, and all she could think about was how warm she was in Evan’s arms, how soft his jacket was, and how much she knew she still loved him. The world fell away, melted by love. The world fell away, the sun vanished behind the horizon, and Zoe drifted off to sleep within Evan's safe and secure embrace. 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I hope you all enjoyed and as always, leave any thoughts, comments, or criticisms in the comments down below!! 
> 
> I will be working on the last two chapters of the Jared fic as well as a special Christmas/Hanukkah fic, but the latter will require a bit more research and planning than usual fics. However, both things should be published within the next month!! Love you all, and thanks for sticking around. <3


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